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B.A.N.D
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BIKERS
ASSOCIATION OF NORTH DEVON
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BIKERS
ASSOCIATION OF NORTH DEVON
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HUMOUR PAGE Here are some jokes, strange stories etc. to pass the time. Some are old, some risqué. Hopefully nobody will be offended. |
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TWENTY QUID On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first sexual encounter. In his highly a roused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly £1 million. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £1Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' And that's when she shot him.
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS ! ! ! "He
has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston
Churchill Burger Bar A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: £1.50 Checking
his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons
to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a
meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing
smile, 'can I help you?' Pearly Gates A man
appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Old Age Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." Fitness I feel like my body has got totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. Bad
Day The Bridge A man was riding his Harley alongside a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. Then, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. " The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want . " The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources . I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things . Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. " The biker thought about it for a long time .. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy . " The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" GENUINE LETTER TO DEFRA Rt
Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State, Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 From the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business. In your opinion what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs. But if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds Such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping and accurate record of How many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all those pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: these pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I Understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear? I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election. Yours faithfully, Nigel Johnson-Hill Rules for Cats to Live By BATHROOMS:
DOORS:
CHAIRS
AND RUGS: HAMPERING:
Following
are the rules for "hampering:" 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress. WALKING:
BEDTIME:
LITTER
BOX: HIDING:
ONE
LAST THOUGHT: New Ferrari pit crew The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 60 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Stella; a kilo of speed, and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower. George W Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident" "OH DEAR GOD NO!" exclaims George W. Bush. His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits weeping, head in hands. Finally the President, devastated, looks up and asks.... "Exactly how many is a brazillion?" Newlyweds A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When
the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong
with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. "I had tolio as
a child," he answered. When
the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong
with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also
had kneasles," he explained. The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...
Smallcox?" Dangerous Food A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." Mozart When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognisable music coming from the grave.Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing Ponderings 1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress? 2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth? 3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed? 4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"? 5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit? 6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? 7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer? 8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date? 9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? 11. What do people in China call their good plates? 12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs. 14. What do you call male ballerinas? 15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream? 16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner? 17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker? 18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from? 20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong? 21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it? 22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your arse? 23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window? Flying Blonde A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, " I am young, blonde and beautiful, and going to sit here all the way to New York". Flustered the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the cap tain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again The blonde replies, "I am young, blonde and beautiful, and going to sit here all the way to New York". The captain does not want to cause a commotion, and returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can tak e care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear.She immediately gets up, and says "Thanks you so much", hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together they ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replied " I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York". TV Gaffes MICHAEL BUERK on BBC watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." KEN BROWN commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." MIKE HALLETT discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." JACK BURNICLE was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." CHRIS TARRANT discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." STEWART MACHIN on Winning Post, commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." ROSS KING discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." CRICKETER NEIL FAIRBROTHER hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." CLAIR FRISBY talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." JAMES ALLEN interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" STEVE RYDER covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." BROUGH SCOTT'S commentary at Doncaster racecourse may have been about the new stand: "My word," he said, "look at that magnificent erection!" WILLIE CARSON was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." METRO RADIO - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." HARRY CARPENTER at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." NEW ZEALAND Rugby commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." PAT GLENN - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!” CARENZA LEWIS about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it!" US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!" A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard Zen Type thoughts for the day... 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of loan repayments. 10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt... then things get worse. 26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness" 28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age eleven. 30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. WOMEN'S ARSE SIZE STUDY There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ARSES. I thought the results were pretty interesting: 25% of women think their ARSE is too fat... 10% of women think their ARSE is too skinny... The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man,and they would have married him anyway. These
are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district...
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT! TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM. 2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT. 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33. 4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING. 5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP. 6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE. 7-- CARLOS WAS ABSEN YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART. 8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS. 9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE. 10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT > YESTERDAY. HE HAD(DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT]. 12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK. 13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST. 14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. 15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR. 16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY. 17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL. 18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. 19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL. 20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS. 21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER. 22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER! THE DOCTOR. 23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER.. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. Puzzling jigsaw A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says: "Second, I want you to relax". "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed.........
"... and then, we'll put all the Frosties back in the box." How to choose a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the m an. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. ************************** There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. ****************************** A pair of jumper leads walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything... A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road... An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Things that make blokes proud of themselves! 1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?" 24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo. Harley
Davidson versus Honda Blokes letter to agony aunt Dear
Abby, The usual signs ... phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't Know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her mobile phone up just to see what time it was. She went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil............ ........... ........... Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? Biker and the Little Old Lady: A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the >store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff." The lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home. On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know >that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
FRANK A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special" Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them." Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow." The Amazing Claude It was entertainment night at the Day Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting. Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . . ". The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT", said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Day Centre Being British Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh and...... Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain.. do people order double cheeseburgers, large chips and a DIET coke. Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain.. do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars. And finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet. I am proud to be British ******************** Crickets Greatest Sledges... 1 Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?" 2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted. 3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F***ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F*** your wife, she throws me a biscuit" 4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't f***ing bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing bat & you can't f***ing bowl." 5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman. 6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*** off." 7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney..."You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat ****!!!" 8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO : "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family" 9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*** taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you ever f***ing mention my wife again, I'll F***ing rip your F***ing throat out." 10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were s**t then, you're f***ing useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. " 11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up,"Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it." 12. Malcolm
Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple
of times. 13. Fred
Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and
right between Raman Subba Row's legs. ************************* A WOMANS POEM He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. My biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do.. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked him... Like his Mother used to do. *************************** A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." ********************** A truck driver was driving along on a trunk road. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel." ********************** The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." ************************ A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead." *********************** A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." ************************* IT WAS GOOD In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQs . He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing,swimming and BBQ's on the beach,and God saw that it was good. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Fifth day God created a Bloke- to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created mates, and God saw that they were good blokes, and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... well .. almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas -to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!! ************************ The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. ********************** When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. *********************** After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. ************************** Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. "tastes exactly like the real thing", they won't know any difference. ***************************** A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." ************************** Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I Golf left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45. ************************ Sydney Morning Herald Monday, June 15th 1999: "An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being re-routed to various aeroplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebie" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay? The man shyly nodded that he was at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane". Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay! This caused an angry third passenger to yell, "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights. Ansett refused to comment on the incident. ******************************* HOW TO WASH THE CAT 1. Thoroughly
clean the toilet. Sincerely, The Dog *********************** A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home." ************************* 3 kids are playing in the street & get hit by a garbage truck. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be." The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "I want to be an attorney." And so, 20 yrs later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Supreme Court. The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "I want to be a brain surgeon." And so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering ". Stupid clumsy twat." And so, 20 years later ..he's playing left back for Crystal Palace... ********************* A man boards a plane and is lucky enough to find himself sitting next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my names Jill, what's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." ************************ Q. Why do people take an instant dislike to Millwall? A. It saves time. ********************* A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general...all in the name of humour." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" **************************** VET A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet, he asks the vet, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?". "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him.". The vet picks the dog up, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth, finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down.". "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" asks the alarmed owner. "No," replies the vet, "he's really heavy." **************************** A guy visits the doctor (1)...
Patient: "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside" Doctor: "How's
that?" Patient: "Don't you start" A guy visits the doctor ***************************
************************* LABELS In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products; 1. On
a blanket from Taiwan:NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. ************************ KEEGAN Some corkers from the master tactician: " They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that, " said - who else ? - Kevin Keegan, when asked to comment on Argentina's qualities last week. All of which reminded us of 15 other fantastic Keegan quotes that we feel the need to share with you: (1) "
England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none.
" ***************************** Football Ticket Harry has been trying like mad to get a ticket for a league game for his mate, an exile who is coming to visit. In spite of numerous calls and visits to the Charlton ticket office, he constantly receives the same reply: "Sorry, sir. The ground is absolutely sold out. There's not a single seat left, so there's no way we can give you a ticket." Finally, he gives up in despair, and his mate cancels his visit. The day of the match comes, and he goes along and sits in his usual East Stand seat. The match gets off to a slow start and, glancing around him, he notices a few seats further on, an old man sitting with an empty seat next to him. He returns his attention to the game but by half-time, this is bugging him so much that he has to ask about it. So he leans over to the old bloke and says, "Excuse me, but why is that seat next to you empty? I've been trying for weeks to get a ticket for a mate of mine who was coming from overseas and I couldn't get one. And now I come here and find there's an empty seat just a few along from mine!" The old man sighs, and answers wistfully, "It was my wife's. We've been coming to the match together for over forty years, but she died this week." The younger man is taken aback and stammers embarrassed, "Oh, I'm sorry, mate. How tactless can you get? I wish I'd never opened my mouth. But, surely, you've got kids, or relatives or someone that could've come along and kept you company, so you weren't all on your own at such a sad time?" The old man replies, "Oh, I've got six kids, and loads of relatives, and I asked them all. But they all wanted to go to the funeral." ******************************* Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: So
the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: She
had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: You
say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes.
Q: Doctor,
how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies
are performed on dead people. ******************************** QUIZ ANSWERS!!! BIG QUIZ (LBC) Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court. Contestant: Lepers. QUIZMANIA (ITV) Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'. Contestant: Doctor. Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation. Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor. DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons? BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester. BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderf |
